Hitting the big two-one!

It’s been a while since I wrote an entry. Mostly because I have become a busy girl these past few months years and let me also blame the tumblr app on my phone that is too slow and frustrating! But I had an urge to write something because in two days I’ll be turning 21 (I’m getting old, I know) and I am surprisingly excited! I am only hoping that I won’t be let down like my 19th birthday which majorly sucked because I was ill! I have no plans (yet) and even though I pushed my family to take me out, I’m not putting much faith into that (our family just kinda sucks at birthdays. Also, I think they thought I was just joking). But I know it will be a great day even though my schedule on Tuesday is crazy.

So anyway, it has been a great year overall. I got into second year of uni and one more semester I’ll be in third year! Most of my friends got married, had kids, are engaged and/or graduated which is pretty scary for me to be honest… Where did all the time go??

One thing that I did not expect is to be at Chancellor College and study courses that I am so in love with! Of course I wanted my career to take the direction of Business Management as a Business Economist, but turns out my God knows just what I need and he always has my back even when I’ve felt like he was making a mistake. Just a brief back story, I applied for Business Economics at Leeds Met and got in, but because my folks could not afford to send me there (it’s ridiculously expensive), I decided to just attend university in Malawi instead and I thank God that it was perfectly timed, our visas expired so we came back from England in January 2012 and I started uni in October.

Back in England, I complained A LOOOOT about coming back to Africa. But I can tell you one thing; I have done a lot of growing up especially this past year. I have made friends with awesome, God fearing, true, kind, and driven people who make me strive to be a better person. For one, my mum and I have gotten closer this past year. If you told me I would tell mum my deep thoughts a good two or three years ago, I would laugh in your face. But she’s been there for me a great deal and she has become my tightest friend. I have few friends that I am close to, but the bond I have with those few friends is unreal! These are people that are genuinely concerned about my well being and would do anything to make me smile when I am feeling blue and I am so glad I met them.

Another department that needed growing up was my spiritual life. Boy, have I been through it all this past year; from having blacking out episodes to losing friends, there were so many moments I felt like God had turned his back on me. I have felt not good enough so many times, sometimes I would cry myself to sleep EVERYDAY for an entire week or so.  You know how you just hit rock bottom and you feel everything falling to pieces? Well this was the rock bottom of rock bottom. Deeper and worse that your version of rock bottom (that’s how it felt). How I got out of those troughs is beyond me. A simple sermon at church would pick me up and I would keep going by just a few encouraging words.  Everything I have been through, in hindsight, has been for my good and God has had my back all along. I am eternally grateful that the creator of this whole universe, who can do without me, can actually have time for me. Can care for me THIS much. And can realise that though he can do without me, I CANNOT do without him and is loving enough to lead me through my darkest times.

 I am becoming more and more of an introvert, but not for the wrong reasons. I found it odd at first, and people used to ask me why I’m always alone. My room-mate got into Law, and I was always with her before which ‘forced me’ to start doing things alone and I never had the drive to replace her with another close friend. I think people know I’m that girl that’s always in her room, or has headsets on when she’s walking around. I am not the fun type AT ALL and it doesn’t bother me because I am comfortable with being alone. It’s made me discover artists and songs which has eventually made me get into music more (I sing too much and I do it everywhere). I also joined a group on campus called “Little Big Prints” which is a GirlChild intervention program. I did not expect to be so rewarding, but the girls at the school we go to are so smart and I realised that all they need is motivation. So that has kept me from being lonely or looking down on myself.

I woke up sometime this month and read a friends post on Facebook. It was really long, but the least I can say is, it really influenced me in ways I did not expect. One thing that I have tried to do in my life is to wear modestly and decently. There were times I felt like I was not being too strict on myself; the skirts were getting shorter and my tops were showing more skin. The post I read this day reminded me that dressing matters a lot more than we think. See, I believe a female should not wear trousers (Deuteronomy 22:5), should not cut her hair (1 Corinthians 11: 13-15), and should wear decently (because of Matthew 5:27-28). This is because I get my standards from the bible and I believe God put these as a way of telling us how to live our lives. I know some of these things are harsh to some people, but I believe this is what God wanted from us as Christians. I feel like I let the bar down a little, but this past year, I am glad to say I have worked on picking myself up and I feel closer to God than I did before.

Lastly, I could say that I have been through trials and temptations that felt like they would never end, but as I said (I don’t want to keep going on about it), God has a perfect plan laid out for your life, if you only let him take control. Quit doing it on your own, let HIM be the captain. He has taught me a lot more about letting things go, things that do not help me progress, how to be alone and not feel lonely, to be a better friend (still need improving there), fight hard for what I truly want and to never let my dreams die.

I am not a perfect person. There are sooooo many mistakes I have made and some things I wish I could ‘shift+delete’ because of the amount of cringe they carry, some people I let go of that I wish I could have spent more time with or treated better. Sometimes I say or do things that keep me tossing and turning, like, why did I say that? How does my friend feel? I bet they hate me now. My friends would actually confirm this, I over think, overreact and worry about things that are seemingly little. That is admittedly, one of my biggest flaws but I trust that God who has worked on me those past years is still working on me, and will make me a better person.

Happy 21st birthday to me! 

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