I usually don’t do a month catch up, or something regular to talk about how my life is going (because I don’t want to commit to something I won’t follow through. I also don’t have an exciting life to keep that running), but hey, I think I need to sit down, breathe, and talk about this year so far.
Things have been confusing, painfully slow, difficult and wow, I just sat down recently and thought, “God trusts me too much with these tests.” The dreams I’ve been trying to chase seem so empty, far-fetched and bleak. Everything seems to be going the other way. The plans I had in my head and what is actually happening on the ground are just two extremely different things and that just demotivates me further. Most of my days comprise me of going where the wind is blowing. I feel like I’m not in control of my life, and I am like a leaf being tossed in a wild storm.
Then come the sad times, when all I do is sit and think about how useless I am feeling because time is going by so fast and I don’t seem to have accomplished much (no, the solution isn’t simply, “stop being sad”). Lately, I have seen myself get to a place I have been before, a dark dark place I have been running from since my teenage years where I feel so anxious, depressed and well, hopeless. Getting out of bed seems like such a huge task and eating is forced on me by my close friends. I am always feeling tired, I can hardly focus and eventually, I miss out on important deadlines. I just sigh and say, “Mulungu, mubwela liti? Dziko latopetsa ili.”
Yesterday morning was a bit different for me. As I was praying, I focused my prayer on being thankful: for life, for how far He has taken me, for my beautiful family and friends; and most importantly, for the challenges that I am facing that are making me a better Christian. I got to a place where I just laid everything on the table, and said, “God, I need you. I can’t seem to figure things out” and I poured my heart out. For one, I saw that there’s so much to be grateful for that the sadness blinded me to. I also felt such a sense of peace after that, and the strength to complete tasks I’ve been putting off for too long. If there’s one thing that I am holding on to, it’s that God is not blind to my problems and that every prayer I’ve prayed, He has heard. I will simply choose to trust in Him.
I wish I was writing this in a much much better place, but I am not. I don’t want to pretend to be someone who has it all together because I am still fighting battles. And I know that I am not alone. So this post is for anyone else feeling stuck, and the pressure from chasing your wild dreams has left you feeling drained. This is for you who also desperately needs grace to stay afloat. Remember that when something big is about to happen in your life, the devil tries all he can to get in the way. But here’s a spoiler: We. Will. Get. Through. This.
I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But hold on. When you hit rock bottom, the only other place you can head is up. I am proud of you for being strong, for being the miracle that you are, and for getting up and showing up when all you feel inside is heaviness-that is amazing! You are AMAZING! I am already proud of what you are about to accomplish and the testimony that will come out of it. Here’s to you and all your awesomeness!
All my love,
P/S: Here’s a quote someone sent me via Instagram that lifted me up:
“Maybe He let this slump come, call, come in here, just to find out what you’ll do. That’s the way He does it, to prove your faith, see what you’ll do. Run away? Don’t the Bible say, “All things will work together for good to them that love Him”?” William Marrion Branham, 63-1130E Go Awake Jesus