Some few weeks ago, in the AM hours, I was up and struggling to find sleep. What better way to spend my time than to go on social media to do… well, I don’t know, check updates? I was only going to be a few minutes, but I ended up going through a lot of my friend’s pages thoroughly (for lack of a better word). And I am here to tell you a truth that we all already know: Abale anthufe tikukula! We are growing!
I was surprised at how shocked I was that most of my friends are married, have babies and have proper grown up responsibilities now. But I still asked myself, where did time go? How did we get here? Am I… late?
Like a lot of single people my age, I have felt the pressure to get married. For me, it was people around me who made me realize ‘it was time’. I was doing just fine. Until the timwa Fanta liti’s started pouring in. Marriage wasn’t something I actively sought, which may have worried some as I am now in my late twenties and my calmness about the whole matter concerned them. Throw in talks of biological clocks and how our parents can’t wait to hold their grandbabies – your girl started to wonder, “Huh? Should I start panicking like everyone else is expecting me to?”
It’s taken me some time, but eventually I realized that the calmness I had before all the pressure is something I need – to keep me sane and for me to make the right decisions. I’ve also realized that expecting my life to begin after I get married may make me miss out on a lot that life has to offer. This is why I came up with this list of things you could do instead of worrying that you will die alone. Most of these are things my father personally advised me on, some are things my married friends talked to me about and I thought someone may find them useful:
- Build a relationship with Christ – choosing a life partner is definitely a serious thing and should never be taken lightly. We have already been taught to pray over this huge milestone, but I think sometimes, we end up praying about such matters ONLY when we feel it is time to choose a partner. My father told me this when I was still very young (and not even really thinking about marriage), that it is important to have a personal relationship with God waaaay before you even think of marrying. One thing this does is you get to learn how God speaks to you. Be it dreams, through a minister, or His Word. When that’s established, you won’t think God is sending you mixed signals when you want to consult Him on choosing your eternal mate. You’ll also save yourself from lying to people that God showed you a certain someone when you didn’t even bother to pray first – which, by the way, usually backfires on you.
- Get to know and love yourself – this is self-explanatory. Remember how you can’t pour from an empty cup? Exactly. While you’re in the wait, learn to know who you truly are, the things you enjoy doing and embrace all the things that make you unique. Forgive your past self for mistakes you may have made. You were learning, now here you are – better, bolder, loving every part of you and ready to drown someone’s child with love.
- Read – and I don’t only mean reading fiction and motivational books, but also your bible, the Spoken Word and books to do with the marriage subject (but be very picky with these!) If you’re under 28, you can also take part in the monthly tape quizzes. You’ll be surprised how much you’ll grow spiritually. There are some Message-Believing pastors who have also compiled quotations from the message that talk about marriage and courtship that I have personally found useful. They made me understand what God’s intentions were when he created marriage and what he expects from His children. I highly recommend these to any single brother and sister out there and you can download one of the pdf’s for free here. A friend of mine, Antonia Nazombe, also wrote a book that has the best gems. It’s called “Every Single Moment” and explains thoroughly how you can balance living (happily) single and aspiring for marriage. You can contact her to get it if you’re in Malawi, or you can find it on Amazon.
- Know what you actually want – listen, being desperate is the last thing you want to be in the wait. When you are desperate, you may end up getting into situations you could have quite easily avoided, had you looked through less emotional/anxious eyes. Know what it is that you want, and pray earnestly for it. Some people may not understand why you will make some decisions, but if it isn’t what YOU want and you know it will only make you miserable, I say don’t settle for anything else (unless you are SURE it is God Himself redirecting you. Again, important to know how God speaks to you).
- Last, always remember that every couple’s journey is unique. People meet differently, God speaks to them differently, and they will later on lead different lives. Your path can’t be exactly the same as that of your friend or some couple you look up to. So trust the process, keep waiting patiently and don’t lose the faith. There has also been a lot of negativity around marriage recently (increased divorce cases, couples disagreeing, et cetera) and it can easily make you pessimistic. This happened to me some time back. I honestly just thought marriage meant misery, trouble and “banja nkupilira‘s”. I just didn’t think it was worth getting into. I am not married, so I cannot give any marriage advice but what I did was, I tried to surround myself with “good news”. There are a lot of married couples who are actually happily married – talk to those couples, and learn from them. Ignore the negativity, and believe God is writing you the best love story. Just make sure you give Him the pen.
To my future husband: man… you remind me of this quote:
“you are the faint line between faith and blindly waiting.” – rupi kaur
Ain’t rushing you, but we also ain’t getting any younger boo boo 😂😬. God bless you for me till He unites us.
To my friends in the wait: I hope you find someone who will be worth the wait, who won’t make you feel like you are hard to love, and they are the person God made just for you. Osataya mtima ma member 😅 take heart, good things are on their way.