What I want to be

Like every other child, I have gone through phases of ‘careers’: I started out wanting to be a doctor, then a nurse, then any career I learnt or heard about (pilot, air hostess, etc) and once, when I learnt the meaning of the word housewife, I told my mum I wanted to be a housewife just like her (I think homemaker is a preferred term these days) and she laughed and laughed and laughed, and said I didn’t know what I was talking about. Then I changed my mind the very next day, back to dreaming about being a doctor. I clung on to this dream for years, and settled for a surgeon, I would say, “I wanna operate peoples’ stomachs” (yes, exactly like that) and this went on till I was in form 2. I loved Biology so much, I remember how I had a whole day in my week, dedicated to studying it, and topics such as digestion and locomotion intrigued me. Then I started being realistic; if I wanted to go to the College of Medicine, I would need to work sooo hard and just the fact that I wasn’t even a “top 10” student made me lose all hope. And slowly, I lost interest in sciences and grew interest in History, Social Studies and Business Studies.

Then I had the most amazing talk with my dad. He talked about his job; very vaguely of course, he probably thought I asked him just for the sake of it. But, he spoke of his career with so much passion and I could see just how dedicated he was at his job. And that holiday, I made up my mind I wanted to be just like daddy: be an Economist. “You need math to do Economics!” He said, and I didn’t care. I wasn’t the best at math, AT ALL, but somehow, this never stopped me. This was in 2006, a good 8 years ago.

Fast forward to my A levels, when I decided I would take Economics, the tutors stopped me; they said it was too hard and my math isn’t good enough. I insisted, and when they let me in, I worked so hard it in and ended up getting an award for it. The beauty of England is you don’t exactly need math to do Economics… I was gonna study Business Economics which does not need A LOT of Math. Came to Malawi, and found out you cannot escape Math if you wanna do Economics, no matter what. In comes fear, but I decided to give it a go, and oh my days, it hasn’t been an easy trip, but thank God that I crossed all those bridges and I am finally going to third year.

So I took Sociology and Psychology as my other subjects, and I fell madly in love with Sociology, especially in my second year, I went for a Little Big Prints information session, and the founder (and a very great friend of mine), Elita, talked about her desertion, if I’m not mistaken, it was about NGO’s and Girls education. These are the kind of things I love, and suddenly I thought, “I wanna write about that! I WANT that!” and just like that, I slowly climbed and sat myself on the fence between majoring Economics or Sociology and the battle in my head would go on, night and day. I talked to my dad first, and he is the “choose whatever you want, as long as you’re happy” kind of dad, but I could hear the disappointment in his voice, like, “Why?? I thought we would be Economists together??” (Both of my older sisters are nurses). Then I talked to my lecturers, and they all gave me not-so-helpful advice, they all pulled me to their department.  I talked to the one who started all the confusion, Elita, and she gave me some confidence and she spoke of Sociology with passion. Her most helpful advice was that I shouldn’t take Sociology just because I’m scared of Quantitative Methods, but because I am passionate about it. I also talked to the mother of a friend of mine, and she said, “Go with your heart. But just really pray about it.” And sure enough, I prayed about it, for days on end. I remember going to my Statistics lecturer and telling him how I wanted to major Sociology because I was too scared of the math in Economics and that I put in so much effort but I don’t really get grades that reflect my hard work… We had just written a mid semester exam, and he pulled out my marked script and I saw my grade and almost screamed! I got an A on it! And I wasn’t even expecting it! It all just seemed so confusing now; Sociology was sounding sweeter and sweeter and the Eco course I thought I was failing, I was doing great in. So I lay it all aside and decided I would decide when my end of semester results were out.

All holiday, I kept worrying about my major (I am the queen of over thinking), and if I would make a good choice. I kept thinking about all the people that had a Social Science degree but couldn’t get a job, what if I end up like that? All that hard work I put in, all in vain? What about Psychology? I love Psychology too! Shouldn’t I minor in it? Or can I double minor? So  I kept praying about it, and I decided I would go and see my Pastor, and I would explain to him everything and whatever advice he gives me, I will take it. He will make the final call. I thought I would I show him my results first so he can assist me accordingly. I booked an appointment and hoped I would see the results before the appointment, but if there’s one thing that sucks on this planet, it’s the ICT department of Chancellor College. I couldn’t access my results online because “you must first settle your fees balance” (which I had already settled), and I remember refreshing the page seconds before meeting him, hoping I’d  see my results, but, the same fees balance message stared at me. So I sadly went ahead and met my Pastor.

I explained to him how I was too scared of Quants in third year, and how I didn’t even know if I passed my statistics course cause the end of sem exam was too hard and that Sociology started to sound so good. He just listened and eventually said, “You want to major Sociology because you’re scared of one course, don’t you? You went to college to do Eco; do it! Don’t be lazy, go work hard and get your Economics degree! And don’t worry about finding a job, It’s too early for that.” And then I explained that I wanted to minor in Sociology, but I also love Psychology, and he said it without wasting a minute, “Drop Psychology, and just concentrate on Economics and Sociology”. That’s it! That’s all I needed to hear! I didn’t even question it.

Just as a way of confirming that this was the right decision. I saw my grades the next day, and I had very good grades in Economics and Sociology, and Psychology had the worst grades for some very weird reason, because I didn’t find the exams that hard, but I decided that it was a small price to pay, considering it pointed me to the right direction. I did cry a little when I saw my results and when I thought back to all the sleepless nights I gave for these two Psy courses. My mum said to me, after I told her everything, “It is as if the pastor had seen your grades when he gave you that advice. Just take that as God’s way of answering your prayers and don’t worry about the other grades.”

I registered my courses yesterday, and with great confidence.  I know it won’t be an easy trip, but what matters is that I am willing to give it my very best. If it doesn’t work out, I am so sure it won’t be because I didn’t work hard enough. I am looking forward to my third year and I am so happy I have come this far. I know it’s ALL been my God’s grace and all the prayers family and friends have been sending to God’s merciful throne, and I am truly grateful. I will keep on relying on that grace, till I finally finish the race. This is my passion. This is what I want to do, and I have happily decided that I want to be an Economist.

P/s: I found my form three notebook with “Future Economist” written all over it. It has motivated me to prove to form three me that dreams can come true.

– Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts. –Life’s Little Instruction Book, Instruction 171

– Romans 8:28- And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose. 

-2 Timothy 1:7- For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

My Roommate, my mesho

Before we closed for the holiday, I drafted a post but never got to post it. The first time, I typed it on my friends laptop and accidentally deleted it. The second time I typed it up and got ready to post it, but it somehow got lost. Just like that. So I gave up and decided maybe it wasn’t worth being posted anyway. But today, I have a reason to post it. Even if it gets deleted a thousand times, I will type it up a thousand and one times. This is for my roommate, my mesho, the girl I have gotten so close to and love so dearly.

I first met her was in first year at some extension hostel, and we became the closest of friends. I found out just how ridiculous she was when she spoke in a terrible Italian accent, and I was brave enough to tell her just how bad she was at it, and we laughed about it for minutes on end. She has been there for me throughout my up and downs, and more especially when I started my blacking out episodes. She has been my guardian angel, always there beside me when I finally open my eyes. I remember I blacked out in an exam, and she missed that exam and came to the clinic with me and refused to leave till the drip I was on was done, what a heart! We got a room together on campus during my second year and people told me that we would get tired of each other because we will spend too much time together; they were wrong! If anything, I wanted to spend more time with her. We reapplied to get the same room in this next academic year, but the new Dean of Students decided to bring in a new ‘random’ system, so I was ‘evicted’ from my room and she maintained the room.

My dad tried to plead with the man to get me back in my room, but today marked the end of the battle. Dad called me and told me that the Dean has refused and is ‘closing the case’, and I will have to find a place off campus. To be honest, I had a tiny bit of hope that I would be with my roommate again and it hit me so hard when I realised this was it. I hang up the phone and let it slowly sink in. I told mum about it and let her have a mini-rant, then she left the room and I just broke into a million pieces. My friend tried to comfort me, but I told her to let me be upset and get it over with. Goodbyes are painful and I suck at them! I am going to miss you, Lozindaba Mbvundula. You have been so good to me; you have been my pillar and my comforter, I am eternally grateful! Asdfghjkl I can’t even find the right words for you!!!

Here’s the list I made for you months back:

10 reasons I love my mesho:

  1. She almost always says “good morning” first. With a smile.
  2. She doesn’t judge me (from my very lazy attitude, to all the silly decisions I make on a daily basis)
  3. She knows how to sing
  4. She is so smart, and sometimes makes me feel so crap and that kinda motivates me to work harder *hides*
  5. She never leaves the room in a mess
  6. She gets me water from downstairs when I run out
  7. We have the same sense of humour; we spend minutes laughing at the silliest of things. And we don’t care if we annoy anyone around.
  8. We can have deep talks… about God, school, family, relationships, sandwiches, rooiboos…
  9. She is a vegetarian, and never have I once seen her cheat.
  10. She is a deep sleeper so I can make noise and she won’t wake up to tell me to “shut up”
  11. I am not bothered when she puts her music on loud, because she has an awesome taste in music
  12. She helps me lift my heavy suitcase
  13. Because she wakes up early, I always find water in the kettle when I wake up
  14. She forwards me funny pictures
  15. She loves Looney Tunes a.k.a Ducky Feet (inside joke, people)
  16. She is someone I respect, because despite all her greatness, she has such a humble heart.

I’m sorry, I have written more than 10 reasons, but heck, these 16 reasons don’t even cut it.

Stay awesome, mesho. I will (hopefully) be seeing you around. Thank you for all the memories and the lessons learnt.

One word for you babygirl: IRREPLACEABLE.

Know that you hate high heels

Get to know yourself. Know that you are lazy and it takes you an hour to actually get out of bed in the morning because you are having a silly conversation with your friend on Whatsapp and you are trying to get over that level on Candy Crash.

Know that you actually hate milk in your tea and the blacker the tea, the warmer your heart. Know that you can’t stand a sink of dirty dishes, and that you create a playlist just to get through washing those dishes. Know that you love your veranda, and you love falling asleep on it, listening to the birds sing and the monkeys jump from tree to tree. Know that you enjoy all the effort you put into making a salad, and adding a little more vinegar to make it a little more bitter makes your taste buds tingle.

Know that you love seeing your bedroom cleaned up, and that you are a pillow person; one pillow just doesn’t cut it. Know that you are a careless driver but you feel awful when you violate a rule. Know that you hate being around too many people, but at the same time, you hate being lonely. Know that you are an introvert with extrovert tendencies. Know that you get frustrated when things don’t go your way, and know the methods you use to reassure yourself.

Know that you hate high heels, but you will wear them to a wedding where your friend is the best man which you attend just to support him. Know that your friends will notice when your face changes just a little in a room full of people, and will whisper, “Let’s get outta here” and you go out and talk away from all the loud music.

Know that you always get into your nightdress and you don’t go to bed until everything is in order, and know that some days, you just don’t care, you simply ignore the mess. Know what you do when you get so sad, that you buy yourself ice cream and when it doesn’t soothe your soul, you just want to shut the world out and sleep till it all goes away, but you actually spend a good fifteen minutes crying till you fall asleep. Know that you love the few seconds when you just wake up, and you forget that you have any problems, those seconds before thoughts rush back and remind you of that terrible thing you did yesterday. Know that you are not at peace until you apologize for screaming at your friend the other day.

Know that the sound of laughter from your parents makes your heart glad. Know your fears; the thought that one day you may be father or motherless breaks your heart so you cherish every moment with them. Know that you’re emotional; a simple quote or a look at an old photograph is enough to get those tears running down your cheeks. Know that you write a lot and you are in love with lists. Know that you love the idea that there is that one person that is meant for you, someone that will know you in and out, and will still love you, and you will call them “soulmate”.

Know that you just can’t paint. Or do poetry. Know that you are not fascinated by science, and know that that is okay, because you love studying the behaviors of people, and why they save their money at a particular time, or why the government is floating the currency. Know your passion. Know your strengths, your weaknesses, what makes your blood boil? Who calms you down? Know all the things that make you YOU. Know them and embrace them. Know your worth. Know what you bring to the table. Know yourself, then no one can use your weaknesses against you, or walk all over you.

Know that you hate high heels and that you are a sucker for comfortable, flat shoes.

Love Thyself

I was making supper this evening and I had a lot to do at once; clean the dishes, cook rice, get the kitchen in order, make salad, et cetera. My cousin is here for a while and she was giving me a hand. I was making a pasta salad and I poured half of the pasta into a pan and turned to put it back in the cupboard, and somehow grabbed the wrong end and spilled the pasta all over the kitchen floor. I paused in disbelief, clearly annoyed with myself because time was ticking away and everyone was waiting on me. My cousin bent down and started picking everything up, and I was mad at myself, and I shouted, “Faith! Why are you so dumb and stupid?”  She said something so simple that jolted me back to reality. She said, “Faith, words create. Don’t say that about yourself.” I mumbled a response (I don’t remember what) REALLY feeling dumb and stupid for uttering those words and that’s when I started thinking about how I’ve been so hard on myself lately.

Often times, we get some things wrong. We fail, we make a mistake and we take the anger upon ourselves.  We start to hate ourselves for not being good enough and some people go as far as cutting or even committing suicide. Why? Because we look at what we have (or haven’t) achieved and feel worthless. I have had a lot of those feelings myself this holiday (which I will hopefully write about in my next post), getting really cross with myself because I didn’t get something and I feel if I were this way, I would have been there.

But once in a while, when things start to get hectic, step back and say to yourself, “Relax. You are doing the best that you can.” Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know we are supposed to love our neighbor and put others first, but it does not mean we should hate ourselves. Give yourself credit. You are strong, you have been strong and you have come so far. You are human. Yes, you fall along the way, but bottom line is, you are trying your very best! You are so busy trying to create a better future for yourself, you forget about present self. The things you desire are in the future, waiting for you; be patient and love yourself because the person you are now deserves your love too.

So I made supper, sat on the veranda and let myself breathe the fine Zomba Mountain air, fed myself, chilled with the family, gave myself a long shower while singing on top of my voice, slipped into my night gown which smells of mums softener and made my bed so I can have the best night of my life. I am stuck with myself for the rest of my life, what good will it do me if I hate myself? Or if I am constantly criticizing myself? I will spend all my life with ME and I have decided to love ME, wholeheartedly. I will love myself including my crooked little legs, my tiny hands and fingernails, my short natural hair, my small feet, my petite self, my big nose, and no, I will NOT get a nose job when I am rich to reduce its size, I am proud of my Ntcheu-inherited nose. It is who I am, and I, Faith Victoria Tsoka, vow to take myself as I am, and to love myself wholeheartedly. Since I am on the same, I will also discover myself and all my awesomeness, and I will refuse to settle for anyone who does not think the same.

-“Pronounce your name with confidence. Tell them where you come from with pride. Be proud of your roots. Don’t you dare make excuses for who you are.”

-Psalms 139: 14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.