Today while moving things around in the house, my little sister came
across a notebook which had my nickname on it and handed it to me. I
immediately recognized the notebook! It was my journal, from 6 years ago!!! I
immediately sat down and went through it. I almost never go through my old
journals… they make me feel
soooooo embarrassed. There was a time I would completely get rid of the thing
because I knew I would be faced with pages of immaturity and emotions that make
me CRINGE! But I decided to have a laugh about this one, so I sat down and read
it.
I’ve been keeping diaries since I was very little… maybe 8 years old.
I have always loved writing my emotions down; it’s always been my stress
reliever, right until recently when I got too busy to keep a journal. My close
friends are my journals now (sorry guys). So anyway, back to this diary. It was
full of all these text language; I bet it was cool then; what-w@. Name- nym. Like-lyk. Hate-h8 *rolls eyes*. It was quite
funny looking back at 15 year old me saying goodbye to Malawi, travelling to a
country I didn’t really know and getting used to a whole different life. The
culture shock (especially how everyone was moving so fast and minding their own
business in London LOL), confusion, sadness, excitement, my obsession with
questionable artists…
everything is in that precious journal.
But one thing I struggled with
was accepting myself. A week wouldn’t pass without me scorning myself over
something, or talking about how not good enough I am. You see, growing up, I
have always been ‘too clever’, ‘too talkative’. My sisters and I look very
alike, especially one big sister. Most people think we are twins by appearance,
but we are very different. She is much much quieter and reserved, unlike me and
as a child, I would be compared to her. I remember our matron in boarding
school would compare us a lot, and it would seriously hurt me. She always
commented on how loud I am and would ask me why I wasn’t like my sister. It
would make me cry sometimes, and I would ask God why I wasn’t like her. I was
just a child then, but peoples’ actions made me question my personality. I
would try to shut up sometimes. I would promise myself I wouldn’t be loud
anymore, but my friends would think I was ill, and I would get tired of their
questions so I would start being loud again.
Another thing people comment a
lot on is how skinny and short I am. I am very very skinny, and for a long
time, it bothered me so much. Once, I overhead my mum telling her friend that
people accuse her of not feeding us, and that is why we are so skinny. Like,
seriously?? I can’t be skinny without having my life questioned??
“Wow, you’re so skinny, do you
actually eat?”
“You look like a 12 year old.”
“Add some meat to your bones,
please.”
And my personal favorite, “Why
are you lying about your age?” LOL like I have a reason for hiding my age to a
stranger.
Well here is the thing… I did NOT choose to be born short. I did NOT choose to be
skinny; all these things were passed on to me from my parents, carefully
handpicked by The Maker himself, so who am I to question the work of my God?
And who are you, total stranger, to dictate on how I am supposed to look?
For the longest time, I tried to
go on a fattening diet. I would eat carbs, loads of junk, I even worked at a
McDonald’s in hopes of gaining weight, but I got nothing. And you know what,
I’m glad it didn’t work out. I have slowly started to accept myself for who I
am. My body size, my personality… all of it! When
people comment on my weight, I tell them I actually very much love how skinny
and short I am. I am glad I turned out to be the tiny loud person that I am,
because really, what matters is what is on the inside.
A lot of people struggle with
accepting who they are especially with the media trying to force a ‘standard’
down our throats…
Well we all can’t be tall, skinny models, and you know what? THAT’S OKAY!!!
You shouldn’t think that dieting so hard to lose/gain weight will make you
happier (trust me!!!!), if you’re not happy with your current weight, don’t
expect happiness to appear after you lose some. I’m telling you, it’s what’s
inside that counts. Focus on more important things: your personality, your
education, your relationship with God, your career. Thinking that having a
‘better body’ will make you happier is VAIN (yes I said it!). Happiness
doesn’t lie there!
I don’t mean you should eat
unhealthy and be destructive, but seriously, some people are born chubby, some
skinny; God is a God of variety. Eat healthy. Maintain your weight. Find cute
clothes that fit your body type. Eat fruits. Be a nice human and for the love
of God, do not go about comparing people like we signed up for some
competition! Enough with the body shaming!
Anyway, so back to the journal,
16 year old me was so confused you guys! I also noticed how I would oppose
almost anything mum said and looking back, I was just a rebellious teen, being
shaped into a lady by her mother. I would cry a lot (always been an emotional
person) and it broke my heart just how worthless I would feel. It really hurt
reading the hurtful things I would say to myself…especially when I had just made a mistake. I really wanted
to give 16 year old me a hug, and tell her it’s okay, it’s all part of growing.
I would tell her she is good enough; her body weight is just fine, her height
is okay and it is okay to be loud, to err, to fall down, to stand tall, to
dream… I would tell her to stop stressing over everything; whether she would
really be an economist or whether people in college would like her, and that
boys grow up later, so there’s no point taking them to heart. I would tell her
mummy loves her, and she isn’t being mean at all, she just wants the best for
us. I would hug her tight and tell her it will be okay. I would thank her for
working hard in school and growing through all she is going through, to make
way for a grown up me who is more accepting of who she is and is willing to let
God take control and realize she will always be a work in progress as long as
she is on earth.
It’s okay, babe, it’s all part
of growing up. God loves you very much. You are worth it. You are worth it all.
***
P/S: It is my mother’s 45th
birthday today. Happy birthday mum! I hope you are proud of the lady that you
are grooming me to be. Don’t worry, I will get there someday, slowly but
surely, right mummy? Here is an excerpt from my journal after one of our stupid
little fights (excuse the spellings, grammar, handwriting).
I love you mom! I’m sorry you
had to put up with troublesome teenage me *hides*.
-“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide
your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or
blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are
responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” ― Bob Moawad
– “As mothers and
daughters, we are connected with one another. My mother is the bones of my
spine, keeping me straight and true. She is my blood, making sure it runs rich
and strong. She is the beating of my heart. I cannot now imagine a life without
her.” ― Kristin Hannah
-“And when you fall, rise again, pick yourself together..
You are still growing.” –My mesho
Lozindaba Mbvundula, as she was advising me the other day 🙂
– Psalm 139:13-16 (NKJV) For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully
made;marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows
very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully
wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet
unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.
– “Don’t feel bad if you still wish your body looked different
or if your voice sounded better or if you can’t quite love yourself yet.
Self-acceptance is a journey. You’re not hopeless just because others may be
ahead of you. Appreciate yourself. Appreciate how far you’ve come. You’re on
your way, at your own pace.”